I hate you in the shower....

I was in the shower. It wan't anything special. This, the first of two showers that I take a day as a simple habit. The water was steaming hot, providing the perfect environment for relaxation. Pandora was playing on my phone and I had my new favorite soap. Fucking wicked, right? Well, as my hand ran over a scar on my chest, I stopped and tried to remember where I got it. "I hate you," escaped my lips. Suddenly, my shower was not so enjoyable. I said it, and had no idea why. I had spoken loud enough that anyone in the next room would have heard. I was so confused. Such awful words slipped off of my tongue without any hesitation or origin. Embarrassed, I shook it off and continued without another thought.
      One of my favorite songs came on Pandora and I soon was in a chipper mood again. Rinsing the soap off, my hand met the same scar and again I said, "I hate you." At this point I was rather sure that it was not just a random meaningless twitch as I had previously assumed.
      Annoyed, I stepped out of the shower and began to dry myself off and again, my hand ran over one of my scars. This time I managed to stop myself before I said it again. Realizing that I was about to say it, I focused hard on not why I was saying it, but where I got that scar. Then it hit me. Like a fucking thunderbolt, it hit me. This scar was from abuse that I had suffered when I was a child and I found myself stricken with an ugly epiphany. I would always say this when I thought of my scars because I was able to quickly vent my frustration without having to think about it. I was able to stop that thought process dead in its tracks. In short, I was blocking out a memory.
      I can't even remember how long I have been doing this. I cannot help but wonder how this coping mechanism has effected me over the years. Several times a day I would say this, unprovoked, and not notice it. Upon further thought, I figured out that I was talking to myself about the frustration I felt, without ever having to really feel anything. Unknown to me, I had been saying that I hated myself all of the time without noticing.
      The moral of this story?
                            -Take a bath instead.